Religious leaders and the faithful worldwide are reeling after a respected theologian not only proved the existence of God, but confirmed that He is indeed Mick Foley.
Thousands of wrestling fans have evangelized Foley as a deity for years — typically by holding aloft “Foley is God” placards at live events — but until now such beliefs were widely dismissed as fringe dogma.
But Prof. Leonard Jaspers, a professor of theology and divinity at Trinity College in London, announced yesterday that he has found “indisputable, irrefutable evidence that proves Mick Foley is the omnipotent, all-seeing creator of the heavens and the earth.”
Foley has long denied rumors that He is the supreme creator of all things — He even titled one of His autobiographies Foley is Good as a pun on the “Foley is God” mantra — but during a press conference yesterday He admitted that He does, in fact, listen to all prayers and perpetually keep the universe running.
“I didn’t really want everyone to know,” said Foley. “My matches wouldn’t have been very compelling if fans knew I could easily smite my opponent whenever I felt like it.”
Foley said he’s “kind of a non-denominational God,” and appreciates all the religious people worldwide who have for centuries been unwittingly worshipping him through prayer and church attendance.
“All I really want is for my faithful servants and devotees to quit bickering over which religion is the ‘right’ one and just have a nice day.”