After decades of a hectic lifestyle that allowed no time for frivolities such as bleeding, former professional wrestler and governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura has finally found some time to bleed.
Now enjoying the slower pace of retirement from both the wrestling and political arenas, Ventura now takes time out of every day to hemorrhage from a variety of gashes, nicks and orifices.
More than 25 years have passed since Ventura famously proclaimed that he “ain’t got time to bleed,” in response to a warning from a fellow mercenary on an ill-fated covert op in a rainforest.
Ventura has gradually slowed the pace of his life in recent years, however, mainly focussing on promoting crackpot theories about 9/11, the JFK assassination, and the infamous Montreal Screwjob.
Ventura also admitted this week that although he still has time to duck, he now lacks the mobility to do so.