WWE Network
A computer simulation of the typical wrestling fan, if the WWE Network were to launch as scheduled.

Just days before its scheduled launch, the much-hyped WWE Network has been scrapped in order to avoid a global crisis of inactivity and unproductivity.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that the 24-hour video streaming service, which was to offer thousands of hours of wrestling programming and pay-per-view events, has been called off completely.

The move is intended to “save wrestling fans from themselves” and “avoid a global economic crash associated with widespread apathy.”

The cancellation comes after the release of a study that proved more than 44 million wrestling fans worldwide would immediately enter a state of suspended animation, staring blankly at their televisions and computer screens for weeks on end once the WWE Network launched.

With hundreds of past pay-per-view events and much original programming, the WWE Network would transform countless wrestling fans — already a generally slovenly subculture — into an a mass of unmoving zombies who mindlessly consume wrestling and pizza.

“We estimate that the worldwide economy would catastrophically crash as millions of wrestling fan stay home from work and school to watch every single ECW event — even the really bad ones,” said Dr. Leon Steinberg, author of the study.

“By calling off the WWE Network, there is some hope that wrestling fans worldwide might at least get a bit of exercise and fresh air.”