Tonight, the world will turn its attention to WWE Monday Night Raw as Commissioner Stephanie McMahon unveils a “historic announcement” that WWE promises will be “the most significant revelation since God gave Moses the Ten Commandments.”
“The entire fate of humanity’s future hangs in the balance,” reads a press release issued by WWE this morning, “and Stephanie McMahon’s announcement will be a socio-cultural tipping point the likes of which no one has seen before.
While a few skeptics are dismissing the claims of a “historic announcement” as the kind of hyperbole that is typical to professional wrestling, most people believe McMahon’s announcement will represent a tectonic shift in human culture, akin to the discovery of fire or the invention of the printing press.
“The fall of the Berlin Wall was a small potatoes compared to what Stephanie has in store tonight,” writes veteran wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler. “This is like the lunar landings, Watergate, and the Kennedy Assassination all wrapped up into one super-historic announcement.”
Speculation abounds as to what the actual announcement will be, but some pundits are speculating that it could be something as earth-shattering as an all-women’s battle royal at SummerSlam.