Rob Van Dam
Rob Van Dam takes a breather after a lackluster Two-Star Frog Splash.

At a poorly attended independent wrestling show in a high school gymnasium, Rob Van Dam half-heartedly defeated his unimposing opponent with a Two-Star Frog Splash.

Van Dam, looking a bit pudgier and moving slower than in his acrobatic prime, ascended to the second turnbuckle and jumped — or, more accurately, fell — onto opponent “Dirty” Drake Dillon.

“His heart didn’t seem to be in it,” said one fan who saw the match at the Tri-County Wrestling Association event in Ringgold, Iowa.

“It certainly wasn’t five-star quality.”

Van Dam also executed a modified version of his Rolling Thunder. Instead of a flashy series of somersaults and flips, Van Dam simply walked across the ring and listlessly kicked his opponent in the thigh.

Following his unspectacular victory, Van Dam grabbed the microphone, declared himself the “Partial F’n Show,” and slowly walked to the locker room.

One fan reported that Van Dam’s eyes appeared bloodshot and he “smelled like a Grateful Dead concert.”