John Cena
Humungo the circus elephant feels sad for John Cena, who is transported from city to city to perform silly antics for thousands of strangers.

Humungo, a 33-year-old African elephant that has spent most its life touring with a circus, was overcome with pity after seeing John Cena being trotted-out for an autograph signing.

“Poor guy,” mused the elephant, lazily spraying trunkfuls of muddy water over its back. “Paraded around like that for people’s amusement — it’s exploitation.”

The elephant, who lumbers around a hay-strewn circus tent for a few hours every day before plodding onto a train car for transportation to the next town, was saddened by the inhumane conditions Cena faces every day.

“They dress him up in those silly colorful clothes and force him to pander to children,” thought the elephant.

“One day he’s a rapper, the next day he’s a soldier or something. His keepers have complete control over him. Then he spends all those hours crammed into airplane seats and rental cars, living out of a suitcase. So sad, so sad.”

The elephant performs in the circus — standing on small platforms, kicking soccer balls and standing on its hind legs — roughly 200 days a year. It’s a schedule the elephant considers “totally humane” compared to the endless grind Cena faces more than 300 days a year, signing photographs, giving countless inane media interviews and, on occasion, wrestling.

“It’s especially sad that so many people scream that Cena sucks,” pondered the elephant while being whipped on its hind-quarters by its trainer. “Talk about cruelty to animals.”