World Wrestling Entertainment, the televised carnival of pantomimed violence that was hilariously deemed an “essential service” in the state of Florida this week, has deemed roughly two-dozen of its service-providers inessential. 

Numerous sports-entertainers and backstage “agents” were released from the absolutely-essential-in-a-crisis sports-entertainment company today amid economic scale-backs tied to the global Toilet Paper Crisis. 

The inessential essential-service providers include No Way Jose, Rusev, Curt Hawkins, Brock Lesnar, Drew McIntyre, and company chairman Vince McMahon himself. 

McMahon reportedly took great joy at looking himself in the mirror and snarling “You’re firrrred” at himself, after which he dove into and swam around a pool of gold coins in his Connecticut mansion. 

WWE will continue to produce programming from the WWE Re-Education Center in Florida, a state where pro wrestling is evidently right up there on the list of pandemic essentials along with food, water, shelter and toilet paper.