Jack Tunney government
Newly resurrected and sworn-in president Jack Tunney addresses the nation.

Former World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney has come back from the grave in order to restore normalcy and efficiency to the faltering United States government.

Tunney was an unflappable symbol of power and authority during his decade-long term as WWF President — making him exactly the kind of leader needed to lead the US to prosperity after a disastrous government shutdown.

Tunney addressed the nation yesterday on live television, promising to do “whatever it takes” to ensure the United States is “champion of the world once again.”

“First of all, I am suspending without pay Barack Obama — just like I suspended crooked referee Danny Davis — for failing to uphold the rules,” said Tunney.

“I will hold all members of congress accountable for their actions, just like I held The Islanders responsible for kidnapping the British Bulldogs’ beloved mascot, Matilda.”

In order to ensure the United States properly addresses its debt crisis, Tunney has hired Ted DiBiase as Secretary of the Treasury, and appointed Irwin R. Schyster as head of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).

Tunney insists he will not return to the grave until the US government is once again a fully functioning superpower, and until some kind of resolution is reached on the question of whether Giant Machine is actually Andre the Giant under a mask.


Love Kayfabe News? Support the site and get the shirt!  ONLY A FEW DAYS LEFT!