In her ongoing series of tell-all vignettes about her troubled relationship with twin sister Brie, Nikki Bella has dropped the biggest bombshell yet: that Brie is the leader of terrorist group al-Qaeda.
“After Brie borrowed my favorite lipstick and never gave it back, she moved to rural Syria and became leader of militant Islamists hellbent on a twisted jihad against the west,” said Nikki in a video segment called Growing Up Bella.
“She is, like, the worst.”
While most of the tattle-tale confessions were merely the catty allegations of an embittered sibling — stolen boyfriends, crashed cars, academic dishonesty — the al-Qaeda revelation is being considered by US intelligence officials as a matter of high treason.
“I never told anyone before,” Nikki said during three consecutive hours of whining during WWE Raw, “because I wasn’t sure whether or not Brie had weapons of mass destruction.”
Brie has neither confirmed nor denied that she is heir to Osama bin Laden’s leadership of the vile organization, but it has been suggested that Brie’s overwrought acting is actually a devious ploy to lull Americans into a state of dulled unreadiness for an impending attack.
Some counterterrorism experts believe that Brie’s most devastating attack against America has already happened: her sabotage of Daniel Bryan’s career.