lesnar boom box
The Beast makes a guttural hooting noise while carrying its new possession, which some primatologists believe is a mating call.

Professional sports-entertainer and evolutionary anomaly Brock Lesnar grunted in befuddlement this morning when, after pushing what he thought was the “play” button on his new boombox, a ream of legal documents fell out of it.

Lesnar shrieked like a pterodactyl, as he is known to do when startled, then pounded his chest and flared his nostrils at the boom box.

“What this?” grunted the Beast to its trainer and life-partner Paul Heyman. “Why boombox no make music?”

Heyman has not yet had the heart to tell his pet that the “boombox” is actually a Money in the Bank briefcase, which entitles its holder to a championship bout.

“He just loves that boombox so much,” said Heyman. “It makes him do the most adorable little dances. I can’t bear to tell him it’s just a briefcase with phony speakers glued to the side.”

Once reclusive and violent when cornered, the boombox has helped socialize Lesnar among homo sapiens, though primatologists believe the “dancing” may actually be form of mating ritual to attract older females of its species.

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