Fans of professional wrestling know Christian Cage as the new Impact World Champion, but even mentioning his name is offensive to many Christians who are trapped in cages. 

“There is nothing that reeks of awesomeness about Christian cages,” said noted American pastor Rev. Ronald J. Hutchison. “Ever since the Romans fed Christians to the lions, we Christians have disliked cages.”

More than 1,000 caged Christians — some in prison, most accidentally stuck in their dog’s crate — have signed a petition demanding the wrestler change his name to either Christian Uncaged or Cagey Christian. 

Christian Cage is, however, the wrestler’s real name. He was born to Carol and Johnny Cage, and grew up dreaming of following his father’s footsteps into fatality-driven full-contact kombat.