World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) presents its SummerSlam event tonight — billed as the “biggest part of the summer” — and 28-year-old Dylan Sobczuk is partying in his usual way: alone, covered in Cheeto crumbs in the converted furnace room of his parents’ Cleveland home. 

Sobczuk, a former Arby’s night manager who has not showered in nine days, will party hard during SummerSlam by complaining about Roman Reigns on Twitter and half-heartedly fondling himself under his stained track pants during the women’s matches. 

The party in Sobczuk’s subterranean hovel will really get kicking, however, when his mother Delores hollers down the stairs demanding that he wipe the goddamn toilet seat if he pees on it, to which the party animal will reply “shuddup mum, I’m watching Balor’s entrance.”

For Sobczuk, SummerSlam truly is the biggest party of the summer, given that the other highlights of his summer have included calling people “retards” on Twitter, buying ointment for a peculiar rash on his inner thighs, and almost getting winning an eBay auction for a replica WWE US Championship Belt. 

Once SummerSlam is over, a partied-out Sobczuk will spend several hours on Reddit, telling other users that their opinions on a variety of WWE-related topics are incorrect.