Swiss professional wrestler Cesaro has issued an apology for destroying an innocent beach ball at last night’s SummerSlam event, explaining that he just “flew into a rage” because the ball looked identical to the one that killed his mother. 

In the middle of a tag match in which he and Sheamus battled Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins, the “Swiss superman” hopped the ringside barrier and brutally assaulted the ball, which was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency patching and re-inflation. 

After the incident, a remorseful Cesaro told reporters that he has harbored deep resentment toward beach balls ever since “the horrible day on a beach in Lucerne” in 1992 when his mother was killed:

“I was swinging my sister around in circles by her ankles, and my mother was sitting nearby when a beach ball came out of nowhere, much like an RKO, hitting her one the head and causing her to choke on the Swiss chocolate she was eating.”

Between sobs, he continued: “I tried using the pliers on my Swiss Army Knife to dislodge the chocolate, but it was too late. When I eventually found that ball, I stabbed it with that Swiss Army Knife until it looked like Swiss cheese.”

Cesaro said he regrets the SummerSlam incident, but asked fans to please refrain from bringing beach balls to future events, because “it’s just kind of a dick move, regardless.” 

 

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