World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that a forthcoming episode of its flagship program, Monday Night Raw, is expected to shatter ratings records by featuring nothing but three solid hours of nefarious manager Paul Heyman talking in the ring.
Market research conducted by WWE has shown that the most watched and talked-about segments of the weekly show are those in which the smarmy, well-dressed gargoyle belittles fans and wrestlers alike, while a shaved albino gorilla named Brock stands menacingly nearby.
This Monday’s episode of Raw is scheduled to begin with Heyman smugly sauntering to the ring, his corpulence ladled into a pinstriped suit, his fleshy cranium glistening under the arena lights.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he is expected to say, thereby launching into a 180-minute tirade of over-enunciated words, snarling epithets, and exaggerated facial expressions.
That is, Heyman is expected to give fans the most entertaining three hours in television history.
According to backstage rumors, Heyman’s epic promo will contain a complete one-man performance of King Lear, followed by an a cappella rendition of Eminem’s entire “Relapse” album.
Although the program will feature no actual wrestling, few fans are expected to notice the difference.