When Louis McNab, a 37-year-old wrestling fan from Delaware, committed to the mandatory six-month subscription to the WWE Network, he unwittingly entered into the longest and most fulfilling relationship of his life.
Until he found his true soulmate in World Wrestling Entertainment’s 24/7 video-streaming service, McNab endured long stretches of sexless solitude, punctuated by occasional ill-fated relationships with incompatible women.
Since signing up for the WWE Network earlier this summer, McNab has been noticeably cheerier and more optimistic than usual, thanks to his four-to-eight-hour daily doses of WWE programming.
“I’m on top of the world,” said McNab, who incorrectly attributes his improved mood to occasionally eating gluten-free.
McNab’s experience is not uncommon, as thousands of previously glum wrestling fans have found a new lease on life thanks to their ability to watch Royal Rumble 1992 and ECW Barely Legal 1997 whenever they damn well feel like it.
Until the WWE Network launched, the majority of wrestling fans could barely commit to a week of DDP Yoga, let alone a six-month subscription to an on-demand video service.
Ironically, the WWE Network has drastically reduced the likelihood of wrestling fans actually entering into meaningful, long-term relationships with other humans.