The Summer Olympic Games will bring the world together through the unifying power of sports such as Olympic wrestling, the traditional and insufferably boring precursor to the way-more-awesome professional wrestling.
In amateur, Greco-Roman style wrestling, a pair of agaonizingly unflamboyant men wearing nondescript singlets tussle tediously on a padded mat, with nary a chairshot nor hurricarana to be seen.
The audience pretends to be interested, but really no one understands what’s happening, and no one cares.
“Olympic wrestling provides an alternative to professional wrestling for people who prefer slow, tedious events in which nothing remotely interesting happens,” said Olympic Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge.
“If you prefer The Love Boat over Game of Thrones, you’ll love Olympic wrestling.”
Olympic wrestling matches happen not on a ring surrounded by taut ropes — which are convenient in pro wrestling for bouncing and jumping off of — but inside a boring circle drawn on a padded floor mat.
Olympic wrestlers never utilize knife-edge chops to the chest, enzuigiris, sunset flips, moonsaults, eye pokes, shining wizards, corkscrew suicide planchas, or any other moves that are remotely cool.
Strangely, the referee is Olympic wrestling is not easily distracted, instead always keeping a close eye on the action, which allows for disappointingly little cheating and outside interference.