Today — December 7, 1941 — is a day that will live in infamy after the nation of Japan has committed a dastardly sneak attack on the United States: a “real Pearl Harbor job,” as broadcast journalist Gorilla Monsoon eloquently describes it.

The Imperial Japanese Navy carried out the morning attack on the American naval base in Hawaii, leading Monsoon (generally regarded as the Voice of our Nation) to describe Japan as “a real Benedict Arnold.”

The attack sent shockwaves throughout the nation and gave every American man, woman and child “Excedrin Headache No. 9,” Monsoon added.

Thousands of soldiers were wounded in the attack — most suffering from “contusions to their external occipital protuberances” and “lateral-collateral ligaments,” said Monsoon.

Monsoon’s broadcast partner, Bobby Heenan, tried to make light of the situation by calling the fallen soldiers “humanoids,” but Monsoon quickly retorted: “Will you be serious?!”