Taking another progressive step forward in its march toward equality, sports-entertainment corporation WWE announced today that it will eliminate all traces of toxic masculinity from its programming by banning men’s wrestling.

At a press conference this morning outside the company’s Connecticut headquarters, company executive Stephanie McMahon-Ryzing called the ban of men’s matches “historic,” though in fairness she describes everything as historic.

“We have finally done it,” laughed McMahon-Ryzing.

“We finally have full equity in WWE now that we have reversed generations of systematic patriarchal empowerment of white males whose taut muscles are smeared with baby oil and spray-tanner.”

The elimination of men’s wrestling has hitherto been a gradual process, starting with the hashtag #GiveDivasAChance and the so-called “Divas Revolution,” but today’s announcement brings a sudden finality to the sexist hegemony of men’s wrestling.

Men’s wrestling in WWE will wrap up at WrestleMania in April, after which the entire men’s roster will be released back into the wild, where they will frolic among their own species.


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