Kyle Miller, a longtime critic of professional wrestler John Cena, was mortified by the realization today that his favorite segments of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programming are those featuring Cena.
“I can’t wait to see who answers the US Open Challenge to face John Ce… wait a second… Oh God no,” Miller told a friend yesterday, dumbfounded by the words coming out of his mouth.
“What… the hell… is going on!?” Miller added, his face ashen and his eyes staring blankly into the middle-distance.
Miller has been one of Cena’s harshest detractors for much of the past decade, often deriding the wrestler in online forums and besieging him with chants of “Cena Sucks” and “You can’t wrestle” at live events. Miller even claims to have “invented” the phrase “We’ve Cena Nuff,” though several-thousand other smug smarks also lay claim to its invention.
In recent months, however, Cena has won over many such naysayers with high-quality matches, an expanded moveset (known as the “47 Moves of Doom”) and an impeccable work ethic — a gradual transformation that caught Miller by surprise.
With tears streaming down his cheeks, Miller finally accepted his fate by confessing to his friends that he had become a member of Cena’s so-called Chain Gang.
“Do I love John Cena?” he said. “Word life.”