greatest wrestling match
It’s time to settle the score. Again.

Fans of professional sports-entertainment in the oppressive theocracy of Saudi Arabia can rejoice that their nation will host an event this summer promising a rematch between Edge and Randy Orton billed as The GREATEST Greatest Wrestling Match Ever EVER. 

“This is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime event,” boasted WWE honcho Vince McMahon at a press conference in Jeddah this morning to promote the August 3 pay-per-view called The Mostest Amazingest WrestleMania of All Time.

The event, to be held in the 132-degree-Celcius climes of Jeddah’s most sofa-filled arena, will see several “First Time Ever” Matches, including: 

  • Triple H versus Batista
  • Kevin Owens versus Sami Zayn
  • AJ Styles versus Shinsuke Nakamura
  • Dolph Ziggler versus literally anyone 

Tickets to the event went on sale this morning, with a front-row lounge starting at $3.2 million (or 3,210,299.95 to keep the “collectable” loveseat and carpet. 

The main-event showdown between Edge and Randy Orton is expected to not only be the greatest wrestling match of all time, but actually an unprecedented glimpse into the everlasting astral plane of existence described by many religions as Heaven. 

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