There will not be even one ladder match at Super Bowl Laiii.

Fans of professional football (known in the lingo as “marks”) are abuzz with anticipation for this weekend’s Super Bowl, which is the National Football League’s annual feeble attempt to capture the spectacle and competitive excitement of WrestleMania.

The annual Super Bowl has become a beloved tradition among simpleminded fans who enjoy frequent time-outs, endless commercials, and not a single chairshot or ladder bump.

Millions of football fans will spend most of this afternoon guzzling beer, which might help them forget that the “sport” they are watching is a predetermined charade of simulated combat.

The vast majority of Super Bowl viewers, mind you, will be bandwagon-jumpers who paid no attention to football during the regular season, but instead simply want an excuse to eat six pounds of chicken wings and watch the bloated, lip-synched halftime show. The rest will be gullible marks who actually believe football is real.

When asked by reporters which team he picked to win the Super Bowl, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon replied: “Super Bowl? Never heard of it.”

Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, meanwhile, mistakenly said on Twitter that he is “looking forward to the Silver Bowl, brother. HH.”

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