Retired professional wrestling mascot Mr. Socko is believed to be in critical condition after spending 500 consecutive days amid the swampy hinterland of Mick Foley’s groin.
The once-jolly piece of elastic footwear, which was previously granted respite from Foley’s underpants on an almost daily basis, has been imprisoned in dark, scrotal humidity since an guest appearance on WWE Raw last year.
It seems that Foley has forgotten about his former ally, who helped him win countless matches by ensheathing the so-called Mandible Claw.
During one of Foley’s recent stand-up comedy shows, a faint, high-pitched cry of “Help meee,” could be heard emanating from Foley’s ubiquitous sweatpants, though Foley himself could not hear it through his mangled stump of an ear.
Hosiery experts believe Mr. Socko cannot survive much longer without exposure to clean air and a good wash, although a spritz of Febreze down Foley’s pants may provide temporary life-giving sustenance.
In related news, Foley’s leather “Mankind” mask, encrusted for years in saliva, blood and other bodily fluids, recently became sentient and ran away from Foley’s Long Island home.