Millions evacuate Tokyo amid return of Brockzilla
Panic has erupted in Tokyo as millions of citizens flee the Japanese capital amid warnings that the mythical “beast incarnate,” Brockzilla, has awoken from its long slumber.
Brockzilla’s unmistakable high-pitched shriek echoed through the neon-lit streets of Tokyo’s Shinjuku district this morning, warning citizens that the colossal, unthinking monstrosity will soon lumber out of the Sea of Japan to transform Tokyo into a post-apocalyptic suplex city.
Experts believe radiation from Japan’s damaged Fukushima nuclear plant sparked life into the beast, which has not terrorized Japan since it was vanquished 10 years ago by national hero Shinsuke Nakamothra(who defeated Brockzilla with a simple logic puzzle).
The Emperor of Japan, Lord Tensai, has declared a state of emergency, urging all citizens to be on the lookout for Brockzilla and its female mate, The Megabreasted Sabletron.
According to one University of Tokyo monsterologist, Yamaguchi-san, the only way to defeat Brockzilla is to “choppy-choppy its pee-pee” (referring, of course, to the large phallus tattooed on the beast’s chest).
This theory was confirmed by Yamaguchi-san’s longtime colleague, Sho Funaki, who added: “Indeeeeed.”