After being “set free” by Bray Wyatt on a recent episode of World Wrestling Entertainment programming, hairy hillbilly Luke Harper has left the Wyatt Family and, to the surprise of many, joined the Kardashian family.
For nearly two years, Harper has been the stoic brute of the Wyatt Family, rarely speaking and even-more-rarely doing laundry, but it seems he is ready to assert himself in a different context: among a family of wealthy, attention-whoring pseudo-celebrities.
On a recent episode of WWE Raw, Harper looked into the camera and uttered “You’re doomed,” presumably referring to how the Kardashians will be remembered in pop-culture history.
It is a significant change for Harper, who will have to forsake his unwavering devotion to a charismatic cult leader (Wyatt) in favor of an unwavering devotion to a charisma-bereft pack of spoiled, megalomaniacal dimwits.
Harper is scheduled to appear on the next episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which is one of the only programs on television that makes WWE Monday Night Raw look like highbrow cultural entertainment by comparison.
On the episode, Harper will stroke his scraggly beard and cock his head in confusion while Kanye and Kim get lavish pedicures, and Bruce wanders around the house looking like a half-melted mannequin.
TV critics who have seen the episode describe Harper as “the normal, likeable one.”