Roddy Piper Tribute
Millions of wrestling fans are expected to blubber and sob their way through tonight’s episode of WWE Raw.

Sales of Kleenex-brand facial tissues have quintupled over the past 24 hours as fans of professional wrestling, already emotionally beleaguered after a tough few months, prepare for tonight’s episode of Monday Night Raw.

Stock prices of Kimberly-Clark Worldwide Inc., the company that owns the Kleenex brand, soared Friday when news broke that wrestling legend Roddy Piper had passed away, and sales spiked again today in anticipation of a “tribute” Raw dedicated to Piper.

“The moment I hear bagpipes, I’m going to blubber¬†like a newborn, I just know it,” said 28-year-old wrestling fan Steve Henderson while stocking up on tissues at his local Walgreens.

“I can’t even look at a coconut without crying,” he added.

It has been a rough year for wrestling fans, as several former heroes of the genre — Piper, The Ultimate Warrior, Dusty Rhodes — have passed away, and a true icon, Hulk Hogan, has become¬†exposed as a slur-spewing jerk.

The last time professional wrestling fans were associated with such a dramatic spike in Kleenex sales was in July 1998, when Sable won a bikini pose-down by using strategically applied body paint.