Kevin-owens-apology
Kevin Owens powerbombs Machine Gun Kelly, a violent act he now insists came about four minutes too late.

Professional wrestler Kevin Owens has issued a rare public apology today for hurling Machine Gun Kelly through a table, lamenting that he should have done it before the rapper had a chance to perform.

“My sincerest apologies,” tweeted Owens. “I was about four minutes too late. My bad.”

Owens attacked Kelly after the tone-deaf stick figure performed a “song” on Monday Night Raw in Cleveland, which reminded millions of wrestling fans of their least favorite part of WrestleMania 28.

Remarkably, Kelly managed to walk away from his calamitous fall, as if the incongruously placed rectangle onto which he was thrown was somehow padded.

 

Owens has vowed to follow Machine Gun Kelly wherever he goes, hurling him off stages for “as long as it takes for him to quit making albums.”

Thousands of fans have signed an online petition in hopes of convincing Owens to powerbomb Diddy, Miley Cyrus, and all the members of Nickelback.