Jake the Snake
Jake Roberts deeply contemplates the nature of evil and whether he wants pepperoni or sausage.

Professional wrestling legend Jake “The Snake” Roberts invoked his inner demons yesterday to place a bloodcurdling, barely audible order for delivery pizza.

In a hoarse whisper, Roberts cryptically ordered a large deluxe pizza, sending chills down the spine of the teenaged Domino’s employee who received the call.

“Riddle me this,” Roberts began.

“Can the human need for sustenance — like the python’s impulse to swallow an asphyxiated rat — supersede moral imperatives? Does the pit viper feel remorse when it injects its venom into the bloodstream? I think not.”

Confused, the Domino’s employee asked for clarification, prompting Roberts to continue:

“Just as Edgar Allen Poe sought refuge in the macabre, I seek solace in a steaming circle of melted cheese and assorted fresh toppings. No olives.”

When the Domino’s clerk asked for Roberts’ address, he replied: “The darkest recesses of your mind.” He then provided the address of a house in Stone Mountain, GA.

Roberts completed his order by requesting “dark poetic justice” and “a side of cheesy bread.”