Amid the news that neither John Cena nor Daniel Bryan will appear at the Crown Jewel event this week in [LOCATION REDACTED], World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced an “improved” card that will see Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair come out of retirement to compete at the event in their place.

“Whatcha gonna do, remaining eight-man-tag match competitors, when Hulkamania runs wild all over the kingdom of [LOCATION REDACTED]?!,” holllered Hogan in a promotional video for the event. Hogan then insisted several times that he would like to tell his brother something.

In what WWE is describing as “historic” — just as the company described Evolution, this week’s Raw, and a non-televised house show in Des Moines — Crown Jewel will see the “triumphant returns” of three retirees: Shawn Michaels (53), Hogan (65), and Flair (69 forever, baby, wooooooo).

The addition of Flair and Hogan to the event demonstrates the growing momentum of WWE’s so-called Elder Movement, buoyed by the hashtag #GiveRetireesAChance.

WWE has declined to comment publicly on why Cena and Bryan have declined to compete at the [REDACTED] Stadium in the capital city of [REDACTED] in [A NONDESCRIPT MUNICIPALITY ROUGHLY 4,000 MILES EAST OF LONDON], but it is suspected that both Cena and Bryan [STILL SUPPORT CROWN JEWEL WHOLEHEARTEDLY].

Asked by reporters why he won’t be at the event: “I made a personal decision, based on my conscience, to [WATCH VIA THE WWE NETWORK] and I just believe the right thing to do is to [BUY MERCHANDISE ON WWESHOP.COM].”