Professional wrestling personality Paul Heyman is currently in intensive care at Manhattan General Hospital after his client, Brock Lesnar, attempted to express his friendship with a unintentionally devastating hug.
Heyman has reportedly gained consciousness but is heavily sedated due to five broken ribs, a punctured lung, and the unanimous opinion of doctors and nurses that he needed to shut his big yap for a while.
“My client,” Heyman mumbled to family members gathered at his bedside, “Brrrrrock [coughing, sputtering] Lesnarrr [wheezing] conquered my pancreas.”
Lesnar, a semi-domesticated albino gorilla who currently holds the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, had intended to show appreciation for Heyman through a warm embrace — a human behaviour the creature intended to mimic.
But the muscular simian clearly does not know its own strength, and immediately grasped Heyman much too tightly. When Heyman began to scream and flail, the beast panicked and reflexively delivered 16 German suplexes to its terrified handler.
The creature seemed confused by the ordeal: “Did I pet Pauly too hard?” it asked, tears welling in its huge, vacant eyes. “Did I do a bad thing?”
Though witnesses insist the attack was purely accidental, the ASPCA announced this morning that Lesnar may have to be euthanized.