hawkins ember
Curt Hawkins (left) was somehow deemed a worthy substitute for Braun Strowman, thereby rendering satire somewhat redundant.

It was announced this week that, due to Braun Strowman’s elbow injury, the Monster Among Men would be replaced in the Mixed Match Challenge by Curt Hawkins, thereby allowing Kayfabe News to sit back and let WWE satirize itself.

Seriously. How are we supposed to top that?

The honest-to-goodness announcement — which we swear to God is true, not a parody — means the hapless Hawkins was deemed the most suitable replacement for the unstoppable Strowman, despite Hawkins’ 219-match losing streak.

Just let that sink in for a moment: Kayfabe News did not come up with the idea of substituting Curt Hawkins as Ember Moon’s tag team partner for the Mixed Match Challenge in Strowman’s absence; no, someone who gets paid real money to write WWE programming decided that was a sensible idea, and it got approved all the way up the chain, presumably by someone whose surname is McMahon.

Sure, we could make some joke about how Ember Moon has a soft spot for winless ham-and-eggers thanks to the influence of her father, Max Moon.

And we could crack wise about how Hawkins replaced Strowman thanks to the good people at the Make-A-Wish Foundation, or even how WWE writers actually meant to give Strowman’s spot to Hawkins’ lookalike, Buddy Murphy. 

But nah. WWE can satirize themselves for today. We’re gonna have a nap.

 

KAYFABE NEWS SHIRTS — BETTER STOCKING STUFFERS THAN A SEVERED FOOT