Jack Tunney
President Jack Tunney: Man of the People.

The battle for the Oval Office took a shocking turn Tuesday when, against all predictions, the populace voted by a landslide for Jack Tunney as President of the United States.

“He’s the only reliable, trustworthy president I’ve ever known,” said one voter at a polling station in Ohio.

“He’s a man of integrity, unlike Romney and Obama.”

Although Tunney was not officially a candidate in the American presidential race — and despite the complicating factor that he has been dead for a half-dozen years — the democratic process clearly selected him as winner of the election.

Millions of voters were apparently swayed by Tunney’s level-headed policies — his stance on the legality Lex Luger’s forearm smash, for example, and his no-nonsense suspension of crooked referee Danny Davis — and they scribbled Tunney’s name on countless ballots.

President Tunney’s official inauguration will be held in early 2013, during which he is expected to finally make a definitive statement about whether the Giant Machine is actually Andre the Giant under a mask.