With fuel prices soaring and nightmares at the airports, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that it will “cease all national and international touring, effective immediately,” and will only perform within a two-drive of Tampa, Florida. 

Staging events only within the state of Florida is what’s “best for business,” according to Hunter Hearst Helmsley, the new heir to the WWE empire amid allegations that Vince McMahon is exactly the kind of person we all assumed he was. 

“From Jacksonville to Miami, and all parts in between, WWE is taking over the great state of Florida,” said Helmsley in a recorded announcement. 

He further announced that WrestleMania 39 has been moved from Los Angeles to Tallahassee. 

A recent census reveals that professional wrestlers make up the fourth-largest demographic in the Greater Tampa Area, behind senior citizens, alligators, and meth-addled bungling criminals. 

Helmsley said WWE will continue to perform exclusively in the state until fuel prices come down, or the entire state is submerged under rising ocean levels, “whichever comes first.” 

WWE also introduced further cost-cutting measures today, including replacing the Money in the Bank briefcase with a fannypack, and adopting a new cost-effective three-sided ring.