mitb briefcase
A championship contract will be folded up inside the fannypack, along with chapstick and a granola bar.

Amid sagging ratings and rising costs, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that it is implementing “austerity measures,” including the replacement of expensive “Money in the Bank” briefcases with more affordable fannypacks.

The titanium briefcases, which have become symbolic of a wrestler’s contractual right to challenge a champion at any time, typically cost $400 apiece and need frequent replacement due to cranium-shaped denting.

The new Money in the Bank fannypacks, by comparison, come in a six-pack at Walmart for a mere $17.99, and are sufficiently spacious to contain a folded-up championship contract.

What’s more, fannypacks have been a favored fashion item of professional wrestlers for decades, whereas metal briefcases are bulky and subject to frequent airport security scrutiny.

Other cost-cutting measures announced today:

  • Sports-entertainers appearing on Table for 3 will “go dutch” with the bill
  • Tag ropes will henceforth be two inches shorter
  • Sports-entertainers will be required to reimburse the company for canvas-cleaning costs after any in-ring food fights
  • The replacement cost of a broken table will be billed to the sports-entertainer who is thrown through it
  • The monthly cost of the WWE Network will increase to $49.99

WWE also started a GoFundMe campaign today to pay for the vehicles Braun Strowman has overturned.