Seeking to build its adult female demographic (currently 0.7 percent of the viewing audience), World Wrestling Entertainment is encouraging heartthrobs such as Bray Wyatt to write relationship columns in popular women’s publications.
In his inaugural column for Cosmopolitan magazine, the leader of the Wyatt Family offers these seven steamy — albeit hauntingly cryptic — tips to satisfy your man in bed.
7. Abandon All Hope
“As the existentialist philosopher Nietzsche wrote, ‘hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,’ so eschew hope before it eschews you. Also, wear his favorite perfume.
6. Surrender to Your Own Deepest Fears
“Terror is the natural reaction of one’s soul to the emptiness it sees in its own reflection; let terror wash over you in a redemptive baptism. Also, sexy lingerie will put your man in the mood.”
5. Embrace the Hate
“Love and hate are the yin and yang of human existence: without one, the other is meaningless, like matter and antimatter. Try putting on some smooth jazz and lighting some candles.”
4. Obey the Serpent of Temptation
“Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, you can be both the progenitor and the destroyer of mankind: which will you choose? Also, why not scatter some rose petals on the bed or something?”
3. Obfuscate, Obfuscate, Obfuscate
“Lies are only deceitful when the truth has meaning; in my nihilist philosophy, neither truth nor falsity exist — only the emptiness of your own failures, and the promise of vengeance. Have you tried Viagra? Apparently it works.”
2. Tread the Great Precipice Between Here and the Hereafter
“Come, my fireflies, and journey with me into the vast unknown, where morality is a delusion and the only truth is falsity. A sensuous backrub is always nice too.”
1. Follow the Buzzards
“Birds are good at sex. Bees too.”