Russet Zipper
Russet (top) will face Dolphin Zipper this weekend, according to a hastily written text from Vince McMahon

Texting hastily on his smartphone yesterday, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon failed to notice that, due to the phone’s autocorrect function, he inadvertently told his matchmakers to book a bout at the Illumination Chambermaid pay-per-view pitting Russet against Dolphin Zipper.

WWE staff have been scrambling to appease the ever-demanding McMahon, taking his text literally and purchasing a sack of russet potatoes, the zipper from a dolphin costume, and a French maid outfit bedecked with LED bulbs.

Most of the staff realized, of course, that McMahon had intended to book a match between Rusev and Dolph Ziggler at this weekend’s Elimination Chamber event, though nobody was courageous enough to ask McMahon for clarification.

“We give the boss what he asks for,” said one WWE crew member, who asked to remain anonymous. “If you cross the boss, you get fiiiirrrrred.”

Rusev and Ziggler were originally scheduled to be part of the event’s eponymous chamber match, but McMahon insisted he was “milking an excrement derision” (making an executive decision) to change the card.

McMahon’s hurried texts also demanded that the bout between Russet and Zipper will be a “Steep Cave Mulch” (presumably he meant Steel Cage Match).

Matchmakers weren’t sure how to interpret McMahon’s stipulation that the winner of the match will “get Anal.”