World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has spent the past several weeks building buzz for tonight’s WWE Insurgence pay-per-view, and with a stacked card and several championships on the line, it promises to be one of the company’s best events of the year.
WWE Chief Operating Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsley tweeted this morning that the event will be “historic” and have “plenty of surprises,” which has sparked much speculation in the Internet Wrestling Community about the possibility of surprise participants and title changes.
According to WWE.com, Insurgence will “mark a turning point” in the company, and “be the first major stop on the Road to WrestleMania®.”
At Kayfabe News headquarters, our team of journalists put their heads together and, based on numerical simulations and statistical modelling, arrived at seven predictions that are practically certain to come true tonight at WWE Insurgence.
7. Pre-Show: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker: Ever since Shawn Michaels made his return to the ring at Crown Jewel in [OVERSEAS], speculation has run rampant as to whether he’d square off one last time against The Phenom. Their “Last Time Ever” battle at Insurgence tonight promises to be one for the ages (and the aged), with Michaels earning a hard-fought victory and paving the way for their “Last Last-Time-Ever Ever” showdown at WrestleMania.
6. Brock Lesnar vs. Curt Hawkins: Hawkins wins after nailing Lesnar with 18 German suplexes, breaking his losing streak in spectacular fashion and becoming WWE Universal Champion. This will be Lesnar’s WWE final appearance before the two-sport athlete returns to his other passion, water polo.
5. Charlotte and Ric Flair vs. Nia Jax and The Rock: At the climax of a teeter-totter mixed tag battle, Charlotte will nail Nia Jax with a moonsault to the floor, and Ric Flair will score a pinfall after nailing The Rock with a 450 Splash.
4. Hell in a Cell — Shane McMahon vs. Braun Strowman: The match will be declared a no-contest after McMahon climbs to the roof the the cell and drops an elbow through the announce table before Strowman even makes his entrance.
3. Lingerie Pillow Fight — AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Daniel Bryan: In yet another triumph of gender equality in sports entertainment, WWE’s first all-male Lingerie Pillow Fight will end in a four-way tie after the competitors simultaneously tickle one another into submission.
2. WrestleMania Rematch — Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy in a blue steel cage: Bundy settles an old score by defeating Hogan and removing his bandana to reveal that Hogan is somehow even balder than Bundy.
1. The Golden Elite (The Young Bucks & Kota Ibushi) vs. Kenny Omega, Kazuchika Okada and Marty Scurrl: Cancelled due to lack of fan interest.
The fallout from WWE Insurgence will surely have repercussions at next Sunday’s WWE Uprising event.