Wrestling fans who attended the recent Heroes of the Squared Circle Convention in Tallahassee this past weekend reported that the gathering of retired professional wrestlers would have been more enjoyable if it weren’t so utterly heartbreaking.
The opportunity to get signed photos and memorabilia from their childhood heroes allowed fans to witness first-hand the deleterious physical and mental effects of the wrestling lifestyle, and provided a stark reminder of the ceaseless march of time toward inevitable decrepitude and death.
“It was great to meet the Nasty Boys, but man, Brian Knobbs could barely walk and reeked of gin and pee,” said longtime wrestling fan Jared Schmidt.
“And Virgil, geez. Poor lonely Virgil.”
The convention boasted a number of happenings that many fans later wished they could unsee, including:
- An opportunity to have their picture taken in a bed with Sunny, which smacked of sad desperation rather than the intended sexiness
- Jimmy Snuka performing his “Superfly Splash” from the bottom turnbuckle
- New additions to Perry Saturn’s face tattoo
- A morbidly obese Ahmed Johnson
- Both members of Demolition in hastily applied facepaint, pastel golf shirts, and sandals (with socks).
The sole highlight of the convention for many fans was meeting the “It’s still real to me dammit” crying wrestling fan, whose ubiquitous tears perfectly conveyed the mood of the event.