After a tortuous lifetime of being confined to arena locker rooms, rental cars and cheap motels, a group of rescued WWE wrestlers were released into the wild today, feeling real grass between their toes for the first time.
In a heartbreaking video, the wrestlers step timidly out of their cages, squinting at the sun — feeling its warm rays on their skin for the first time, as opposed the spray-on tanner in which they have been shellacked their entire sad lives.
Animal rights activists rescued the wrestlers from the bowels of a Tennessee hockey arena earlier this week, liberating the beasts from a gruelling lifestyle described by one rescuer as “worse than the torture suffered by circus animas.”
“These beautiful creatures are forced to lift weights, shave their bodies, and pretend to fight one another for the amusement of sick voyeurs, then are immediately shuttled off to the next town,” said one activist. “It’s even worse than dogfighting, because at least dogs get a week off now and then.”
One wrestler in particular, John Cena, was especially terrified by his newfound freedom, and immediately attempted to scamper off to the nearest hospital to sign autographs for sick children.
While most of the wrestlers appeared to adopt quickly to their new environs — Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose have already begun mating with multiple females — it is unclear whether they’ll survive in the wild, since they’ve never learned how to actually fight.