To avoid offending any differently-abled members of its vast viewership, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has adopted a politically correct lexicon, including John Cena’s new slogan, “You are visually impaired.”
Whereas the so-called “Attitude Era” of WWE was rife with trash-talk and boundary-pushing storylines, present-day sports-entertainment is geared toward a more sensitive, inclusive fanbase.
Along with Cena’s oft-repeated catch-phrase, WWE has mandated the following revisions to popular sayings:
- Ric Flair: “I’m a styling, profiling, limousine-riding, jet-flying, consensual-kiss-enjoying son of a gun!”
- Steve Austin: “Austin 3:16 says I just appreciate your effort!”
- DX: “And if you choose not to be down with that, we’ve got two words for ya: that’s OK!”
- Chris Jericho: “You intellectually challenged special snowflake!”
- Booker T: “Can you appreciate my perspective, friend?”
- The Rock: “It matters what you think!”
- The Undertaker: “Rest for at least eight hours a night.”
- Steve Austin: “And that’s the bottom line because we reached a mutually agreeable consensus!”
- Sgt. Slaughter: “And that’s a request!”
In its effort to make its programming even more family-friendly, WWE is also banning physical altercations, and all feuds will be henceforth settled through rational, mutually respectful discourse.