Attempting to downplay the ongoing audience support for long-absent wrestler CM Punk, WWE commentators are insisting that wrestling fans are actually chanting “See, I’m drunk.”

“Boy, oh boy,” remarked color commentator Jerry Lawler, “these Chicago fans sure do love their beer!”

Play-by-play announcer added that the chant was “vintage WWE Universe,” and fellow commentator JBL merely shook his head in apparent shame.

Since Punk “walked out” of WWE last January for a so-called “sabbatical” (which has thus far failed to result in a single published academic paper), fans around the world have been chanting his name for reasons that are becoming increasingly unclear.

But WWE brass, keen to tamp down the lingering support for the brash absentee, are now requiring all commentators to explain the persistent chants as unrelated to Punk.

Other explanations commentators are now authorized to use include:

• “See ’em dunk!” (to be used when a wrestler rolls out of the ring)
• “He’s F. Funk!” (to be used upon the unlikely return of Flash Funk)
• “See the monk!” (to be used upon the inevitable return of Mordecai)
• “She just stunk!” (after most Divas’ matches)

What’s more, any fan-made signs bearing the name “CM Punk” will be confiscated from fans, replaced with signs that read “WWE Network $9.99.”

 

Keep it Kayfabe: Wear the Shirt!