hollywood sexual predators
It’s probably just safer to assume that, since they are celebrities, they’re all creeps.

Given the recent string of revelations that practically every man in the entertainment industry is a lecherous sexual predator, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that all male talent will become bad guys, or “turn heel.”

In a press release issued today from the company’s Stamford headquarters, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon said: “Sports-entertainment has always been a reflection of society at large, so from this point forward all male WWE talent will presumed to be power-drunk sexual slimeballs.”

Added McMahon: “Quite frankly, I once forced Trish Stratus to bark like a dog, so I guess I’m a heel too, quite frankly.”

A slew of male celebrities — Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Steven Seagal, and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump — have been exposed in recent months for having used their celebrity status and power to coerce women into sexual predicaments.

A number of male performers in WWE are suspected of crude sexual misconduct, including:

  • Billy Gunn, an self-described “ass man” who has admitted that he loves to love ’em, loves to love ’em, and loves to pick ’em (among other ass-related actions)
  • Shawn Michaels, a “boy toy” who admits to making ’em shiver, and making their knees weak whenever he’s around.
  • Ric Flair, an alleged kiss stealer
  • The members of DX, who have repeatedly demanded fellatio by shouting “Suck it!”
  • Mark Henry, who is accused of seducing octogenarians who lack the mental capacity to resist
  • Kurt Angle, who¬†has fathered illegitimate children with at least one woman, presumably hundreds more
  • Bobby Roode, who has repeatedly expressed his fetish for women named Gloria