A new study published this week in the Oxford Review of Neuroscience reveals that professional wrestlers unanimously lack the cognitive processes required to make sensible decisions regarding tattoos.
Of the roughly 200 wrestlers examined as part of the multi-year study, not one demonstrated the crucial intellectual process — typically handled by the visual cortex in the right-frontal lobe of the brain — that allows normal people to avoid ugly and ill-conceived body art.
“We do not yet fully understand what causes wrestlers to have this particular brain defect,” said Dr. Bob Ponovich, lead author of the study.
“It’s a question of nature versus nurture: are they born with the innate belief that haphazard tribal tattoos don’t look idiotic, or do repeated chairshots to the head result in the ill-conceived tattooing? More research is needed.”
The study provides countless examples of wrestlers who are mentally incapable of rational tattooing decisions: Scott Steiner (heart with crucifix and assorted nonsense), Perry Saturn (face tattoo), Chris Jericho (random hodgepodge), Batista (bellybutton tattoo), Kevin Owens (Rock tattoo), Renee Dupree (God knows what), Rusev (tramp stamp), Bob Holly (2002-era “tribal” tattoo added just recently), CM Punk (Pepsi logo), Corey Graves (neck tattoo, for Christ’s sake), and Paige (dolphin jumping over left nipple).
Brock Lesnar is the most extreme case of the disorder — he had tattooed a large, veiny phallus tattooed on his chest — though doctors believe his case is different, since his brain function apparently ceased during a difficult birth and never returned.