World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has announced that legendary professional wrestler Hulk Hogan will “host” — and thereby drastically impede the pacing and excitement of — WrestleMania 30 this April.
Hogan’s role as “host” of the event will ensure the event is marred by excessive talking segments, interminable pre-taped backstage skits, and unnecessary outside interference in the main-event match.
Several times during the event, Hogan is scheduled to hobble on surgically reconstructed knees down the exceedingly long ramp toward the ring, utter the word “brother” several dozen times, rip a tank-top from his leathery torso, and pose for fans (many of whom will undoubtedly be chanting for Daniel Bryan).
After that 40-minute ritual, Hogan will be seen in a variety of backstage skits during which he will interact with every wrestler on the WWE roster, so that everyone — even JTG — can a bit of airtime at the marquee event.
Hogan has reportedly sought advice from The Rock, who “hosted” WrestleMania 27, on how best to waste time and detract attention from the matches that fans actually want to see.
Due to Hogan’s presence, it is expected that only 15 minutes of the WrestleMania’s four-hour runtime will actually depict wrestling matches.