The world’s richest man has made another huge acquisition — Elon Musk announced via Twitter this afternoon that he has purchased World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and has “big things in store” for the sports-entertainment company. 

Musk was photographed entering WWE’s Connecticut headquarters carrying a bushel of apples, accompanied by the quip: “How do you like them apples, Vince?”

The comment referred to Vince McMahon, the fellow evil billionaire who transformed professional wrestling into an international sensation, then stepped away from the spotlight last year amid allegations that he is pretty much exactly the kind of person everyone always assumed him to be

Following his purchase of the company for $44.1 billion (roughly $43 billion more than its appraised worth), Musk announced numerous changes to WWE programming “effective immediately,” including: 

  • “No more longwinded promos,” said Musk. “All in-ring or backstage promos must be 140 characters or less.” 
  • Matches/cards will be determined by Twitter polls, unless Musk dislikes the result
  • Championship belts will be replaced by large blue checkmarks tattooed on champions’ chests.
  • In 2028, WrestleMania will happen on Mars — or, worst-case-scenario, Florida. 
  • Musk himself will hold the Universal Championship until further notice

Vince McMahon, meanwhile, is not settling down. He is reportedly determined to compete with Musk on social media by going head-to-head against Twitter with TOUT. 

Dress smart, mark. Get a shirt: 

kayfabe shirt


Leave a Comment