strowman mystery opponent
John Cena went on a rampage in a Superdome loading dock, according to a slurring guy on Bourbon Street who swears he witnessed it.

Professional sports-entertainer John Cena was reportedly livid today when, after weeks of goading the Undertaker into a WrestleMania showdown, the legendary Deadman was instead revealed as the mystery partner of Braun Strowman.

“Seriously?!” Cena bellowed upon reading the news, hurling a small towel bearing the slogan “Never Give Up” into a trash can. “I give up!”

An infuriated Cena then reportedly tore a path of destruction through the loading dock of the New Orleans Superdome, pounding his fists on a tour bus and throwing a metal barricade in a scene one witness described as “McGregor-esque.”

The identity of Strowman’s mystery tag partner has been the subject of much speculation over the past several weeks, with leading candidates including:

  • Bobby Lashley
  • Big Cass
  • Samoa Joe
  • Brains Strowman
  • Mordecai

The revelation that the Undertaker will team with Strowman is a classic “swerve” that seems to confirm another rumor: the re-hiring of Vince Russo as WWE’s head writer.