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AEW’s new TV show Xplosion will feature stars like John Cima and “Luchasaurus” Brodus Clay.

The anticipation has been building for months, and AEW (All Extreme Wrestling) makes its televised debut tonight with a purportedly “live” event that was actually taped six days ago — and we have the exclusive results.

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers for AEW Xplosion, stop reading now, because we’ve got the in-depth rundown of the hotly anticipated “live” event.

SPOILERS BELOW:

  • AEW Xplosion opens with the theme song “Hangnail” by the universally beloved rock-and-roll ensemble Nickelback. The song is reportedly a subtle tribute to AEW star “Hangnail” Adam Page
  • AEW Resident Chairman Shawn Spears (who portrayed Todd Dillinger in WWE) opens the program by announcing that he has just received an email from the Anonymous General Manager of AEW Xplosion. The email decrees that Nyla Rose will not be allowed to compete in the AEW women’s division because a bunch of mouth-breathing dimwits on the internet insist she has an unfair advantage.
  • Spears is interrupted by Ron Moxley (better known as WWE’s Seth Rollins), who demands a championship match against Chris Jericho (better known as Mongoose McQueen, lead singer of heavy metal band Fuzzy].
  • ┬áPAC vs. Hangnail Adam Page: in a thrilling back-and-forth battle, PAC shows off his famous “educated feet” and defeats Page with his signature Bronco Buster, adding insult to injury with a crotch-chop and exclamation of “Suck it!”
  • Commentator Tony Shiavone will give away the results of competing program Survivor, revealing that Boston Rob will encourage Colby to blindside Elise at Tribal Council, to which Shiavone will sarcastically add: “That’ll put butts in seats.”
  • Brock Lesnar makes his AEW debut, re-branded as a real estate developer named Duplex City, brother of independent star RJ City
  • The Elite (Kenny O’MAGA, Matt Jackson and Tito Jackson) vs. Chris Jericho and two “Mystery Partners”: Despite a valiant effort by the Elite, with a crowd-pleasing “Superb Kick Soiree,” the match is won by Jericho and his partners, Conquistador 1 and Ding-Dong 2.
  • MJF vs. Brandon Cutler: In the most hotly anticipated match of the decade, MJF (Mick J. Foley) defeats Brandon Cutler (formerly Braden Walker) via countout at the 0:17 mark.

Oh, and in case you missed it, AEW has changed ownership. Watch:

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