Vatican officials confirmed today something that devout wrestling fans worldwide already believed to be true — that Hell, the eternal home of sinners, exists inside a roofed steel cage.
A Vatican spokesperson announced that a scrap of parchment recently unearthed during an excavation near Jerusalem provides a precise description of the location and environs of Satan’s fiery underworld of the damned.
It is roughly 20 feet wide and high, with mysterious foot-holes carved into its sides, and can be raised or lowered by steel cables and pulleys.
Although wrestling fans have known for 15 years that Hell is in a cell — a fact previously confirmed by Mick Foley, whom many believe is, in fact, God — mainstream theology was slow to accept it.
A verse on the parchment, translated from Aramaic, reads: “And the souls of the wicked shall be cast down into the lake of fire, which boils and roils eternally within a four-walled and roofed cell with no escape.”
Paradoxically, records indicate that an unusually high proportion of sinners do, in fact, escape the supposedly inescapable confines.
The presence of Hell inside a cell had been previously suggested by wrestling scholar Jim Ross, who bolstered his observations with the phrase “God as my witness.”