Professional wrestler Jack Swagger was stunned to find out today, while surfing the “Superstars” section of WWE.com, that he is still gainfully employed by the company.
The patriotic grappler, who was last seen on mainstream WWE programming in 2014 alongside xenophobic redneck zealot Zeb Coulter, did a double-take when he saw himself listed among the current WWE roster.
“What the…” said Swagger, who could have sworn somebody at WWE wished him all the best on his future endeavours last spring.
“Well I’ll be danged!”
Swagger’s exclamation of surprise awoke Colter, who had been dozing in a rocking chair on the front porch of a cozy bed-and-breakfast the duo operate in a converted chapel, Wee the Steeple.
According to one backstage source, WWE’s creative team is keeping Swagger on contract because they’ve been looking for someone to package as a patriotic blond American hero ever since [NAME DELETED] vanished from existence.