World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has confirmed that it will provide English subtitles during its Hall of Fame induction ceremony next weekend to help viewers to understand the Ultimate Warrior’s speech.
The company has hired a professional gibberish translator, who will translate Warrior’s snarled nonsense into straightforward prose for the benefit of viewers.
Terms like “ascension from the the maelstrom amid ensnarled tendrils of cosmic plasma,” for instance, will be translated into the more comprehensible “climbing a hill to look at the stars.”
The translator will also soften some of the right-wing lunacy Warrior has been known to spew in recent years. The phrase “queering does not make the world work,” for example, will be changed to “God bless America.”
A trap door will be installed just behind the podium, should Warrior’s rambling diatribe extend beyond the one-hour mark.
WWE has also confirmed that, although the speeches of fellow inductees Jake Roberts and Scott Hall are expected to be lucid and touching, a “slurring translator” his been hired, just in case of wagon-falling.