Ziggler and Lana to perform “Live Sex Celebration” on Raw
Aiming to boost ratings of its weekly flagship program, Raw, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has announced that next week’s episode will begin with an in-ring “Live Sex Celebration” between new lovers Dolph Ziggler and Lana.
Taking a page from the WWE’s crude “Attitude Era” of yesteryear, the company is re-embracing the concept that “controversy creates cash” — a mantra that fueled the last Live Sex Celebration nine years ago with Edge and Lita.
According to a leaked script from WWE headquarters, however, the more prudish restrictions of today’s so-called “PG Era” will make the on-air consummation of Ziggler and Lana’s lust more family-friendly than the one Edge and Lita performed.
For instance, Ziggler and Lana will be allowed to kiss, but with none of the tongue-twisting tonsil hockey exhibited by Edge and Lita. Furthermore, Lana’s breasts must be covered by super-adhesive duct tape to “forestall any incidental nipslippage,” according to the script.
A recent poll conducted on the WWE App determined that the 87 percent of fans — who are predominantly heterosexual adult males — are “very excited” about the prospect of seeing Ziggler naked.