lana-ziggler sex
Lana (left, last name unknown) will perform a “Live Sex Celebration” with Dolph Ziggler (right, last name ridiculous).

Aiming┬áto boost ratings of its weekly flagship program, Raw, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has announced that next week’s episode will begin with an in-ring “Live Sex Celebration” between new lovers Dolph Ziggler and Lana.

Taking a page from the WWE’s crude “Attitude Era” of yesteryear, the company is re-embracing the concept that “controversy creates cash” — a mantra that fueled the last Live Sex Celebration nine years ago with Edge and Lita.

According to a leaked script from WWE headquarters, however, the more prudish restrictions of today’s so-called “PG Era” will make the on-air consummation of Ziggler and Lana’s lust more family-friendly than the one Edge and Lita performed.

For instance, Ziggler and Lana will be allowed to kiss, but with none of the tongue-twisting tonsil hockey exhibited by Edge and Lita. Furthermore, Lana’s breasts must be covered by super-adhesive duct tape to “forestall any incidental nipslippage,” according to the script.

A recent poll conducted on the WWE App determined that the 87 percent of fans — who are predominantly heterosexual adult males — are “very excited” about the prospect of seeing Ziggler naked.